Conversation with my Mother

ME: I’m lonely and depressed.

MOTHER: Jesus, Jessica. You’re just hormonal... That’s what happens when you’re pregnant.

ME: I feel so terrible for my baby that he’s got to grow inside a person like me.

MOTHER: Jessica. You need to up your vitamin B.  Have you talked to your OB about this?  I happen to know there’s nothing wrong with taking extra super B complex while you’re pregnant.  Didn’t we have this conversation last week?  I know we did.  But you don’t listen. Haven’t you heard the expression, ‘Mother knows best?’

ME: I believe you say it just about every time we speak.

MOTHER: Well, I hope you know this is nothing but hormones.

ME: I do, but it doesn’t make it any less painful.

MOTHER: …Oh my God.

ME: What?

MOTHER: I’m standing in front of the 99 cent store, and you would not believe what’s across the street…  You think you’ve got problems.

ME: What? What is it?

MOTHER: It’s a wiry drug addict, wavering. He’s wavering, Jessica, from side to side, while trying to lift his cigarette up into his mouth..Uh oh.. is he gonna fall?  Uhp… There you go.. You got it. Good job!

ME: Well don’t get too close to him, Mother.

MOTHER: He’s across the street, Jessica. And don’t worry, he’s harmless to everyone but himself… Oh boy. He is now attempting to cross the street.

ME: Towards you?

MOTHER: No, not towards me, Jessica.. Ohp.... Can he make the curb? Ok, he’s off the curb.. And he’s talking to a truck… Yes, he just told the truck to ‘fuck off’… And he’s in the street… And he’s got clearance to the other side... Uh oh... He’s lilting.. He’s lilting... Come on, you can do it…

ME: I wonder what happened to him.

MOTHER: It doesn’t matter. Everyone has a choice, Jessica. Unless they have some aberrant brain chemical disorganization, everyone has a choice to put the past behind them and move on. Uhp… There he goes... He’s almost to the other side... Uh oh.. He’s lilting again.. he’s staggering.. I think he’s gonna drop. He’s really trying, Jessica, bless his fucking heart.. And he made it! He’s leaning against a tree… Oh God, do I hate fucking Florida… But back to what I was saying, Jess, you need to give yourself a fucking break.  You see how lucky you are?  You are not depressed. You just happen to be going through a hormonal hurricane.   I will tell you who you are, since you seem to have forgotten.  You are my extraordinary daughter, carrying my extraordinary grandson.  Now go and get some motherfucking vitamin B complex. Do you hear me?

ME: Yes, Mother.

MOTHER: Good. I hope you do.