Conversation with my Mother
Mother: I have a job for you.
Me: Mother, I’m really not feeling up to it. I have heartburn and a headache.
Mother: You can get back to being pregnant in just a bit.
Me: Ugh. What is it.
Mother: I need you to go online and translate my new Romanian skin care product that I found at a house sale for three bucks.
Me: You’ve got to be kidding.
Mother: Come on, Jess. I need to know how to use it. I’m sure this stuff cost a fortune new.
Mother: Are you ready?
Me: Hold on. (wobbling to get my computer) Yes. I’m ready.
Mother: Ok. P-I-E-L-E-S-T-R-A-T-S-U
Me: Mother, slow down! You’re rattling off p’s and t’s as if Romanian is our native tongue. You need to do that thing, ‘P’ as in Peter. And then say, ‘new word’.
Mother: P as in patience, my dear. C as in callous!
(39 minutes later)
Me: Ok. Mother, you have purchased anti-aging night cream for dry skin and you need to put a thin layer of it on at night and in the morning.
Mother: Wonderful. Thank you darling. You can go back to being pregnant, now.