Conversation with my Mother
Me: I’m so sad. Mother: Why?
Me: Brautigan had some specs of blood in his diaper today. He’s so determined to pass his bowels. He’s been pushing and pushing for two days and I’m so sad because I feel he pushes to make me proud. Maybe I give him too much applause for releasing his bowels.
Mother: What do you mean, applause?
Me: I clap my hands. Or sometimes, I applaud and then sing the ‘I’m Proud of You’ song, and do a little dance.
Mother: You’ve got to be kidding, Jess.
Me: What do you mean?
Mother: You’re going to make him totally anal-obsessed. You’re going to turn him into a proctologist. He’s going to grow up and major in anus 101 and anus 102.
Me: He’s too young to develop issues, Mother.
Mother: Like hell he is.
Me: Besides, where do you think I got this from? You are the one who gave me standing ovations for my BMs!
Mother: I gave you standing ovations for everything you did.
Me: See what I mean? How is that any different?
Mother: It’s not. I’m just trying to prevent another relative of mine from having issues.
Me: Oh my God! So you admit I have issues!
Mother: I didn’t say you had issues.
Me: You implied I have issues. It’s ok. You can be honest. I know I have issues. And as I suspected, I now know it’s all your fault! I’ve grown up into someone who cannot handle any portion of life without a standing ovation. And I haven’t had one since you gave one to me! No wonder I don’t get along with my husband!
Mother: (laughing) I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me.
Me: What difference does it make if I forgive you? I am a ruined person.
Me: It’s not funny.
Mother: Write your congressman.