Conversation with my Mother
Me: I can’t talk. Mother: What happened?
Me: I’m too upset to share.
Mother: You have to share with me, I’m your mother.
Me: (crying) I elbowed the baby in the head, by accident.
Mother: Ohhhhhhhhhh. Did he cry?
Me: For a minute. But he never cries!
Mother: Well, I’m sure the first thing he will diarize will be today’s event.
Me: Thank you, Mother.
Mother: You know I’m kidding. But darling, you’d best get used to boo boos because there will be many, many more.
Me: Well, what if he’s wired now to be on the alert whenever mommy’s near.
Mother: You’re being ridiculous.
Me: And then, there was a mosquito in the house and I thought he would bite the baby so I killed it, and I never kill bugs, but what’s worse is I killed it with an old Edgar Cayce book that I randomly grabbed off the shelf and now I’m worried I jinxed something.
Mother: You can’t be serious.
Me: In some portion of my brain, I am.
Mother: Well you know what, maybe it was his time to come back as something better.
Me: That would be nice.
Mother: Is that all?
Me: No… I then forgot to freeze his teether and now the poor child is suffering more than usual all because of me. I’m a terrible mother.
Mother: Daring, think of all the infants in Sub-Saharan Africa. How many do you think are gumming frozen teethers right now?
Me: Probably not many.
Mother: And I’m sure that’s the least of their concerns.
Me: I suppose you’re right.
Mother: Of course I’m right. Now, don’t you feel better?
Me: I do, actually. Thank you, Mother.
Mother: No need to thank me, darling. I will chop down any mountain and turn it into a molehill for you. I am the Molehill Maven. But… more importantly… the Queen is speaking today. And I insist you go onto your internet and watch. She bears a striking resemblance to your great grandmother. They could be twins.
Me: Ok. I will.
Mother: Very well. Let’s talk later, darling, I’ve got to get over to St. Vincent de Paul’s before it rains.
Me: Alright. Goodbye, Mother.